Post Your Favorite Joke! Laugh a Little!

One of our forum members married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Moderator at UNIX.COM. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A man was walking by the insane asylum. He could hear the inmates chanting in the courtyard "THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN . . . ." But he couldn't see anything due to a wood fence hiding the courtyard from view. As he kept walking the chant continued "THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN . . . ." and he got more and more curious. It was driving him crazy not to know what they were chanting about. Finally he saw a small hole in the fence about waist-high and knelt down to see what was going on.

Just as his eye got up to the hole in the fence, a penis poked through the hole and got him in the eye. He heard the inmates chanting again. "FOURTEEN, FOURTEEN, FOURTEEN!"

a unix admin and a windows admin walk out of a bar.
They see a dog licking himself .
The windows admin says " I wish I could do that"
the Unix Admin says " you should pet him first" .

Rajpat (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case... ok"

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok"

Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... ok"

Ha ha ha ha its really very very funny man,,,,,,,,

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers...... .....

"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours
every time he's high on cocaine!"...

The pope of Rome has died. He walks up the golden stair and knocks on the Pearly Gate.

Saint Peter looks out: "What's up?"

"I want to come in!"

"Ah, uh, and ... who are you?"

"I am the Pope of Rome."

"Pope of Rome?", Peter scratches his ear, "Pope of Rome ... Pope of Rome .... sorry, i don't know any Pope of Rome. But wait - maybe Junior knows."

Peter goes to Jesus Christ and asks "hey, Junior, there is a guy outside and he wants to come in. He says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know any 'Pope of Rome'?"

"Pope of Rome ... Pope of Rome", Jesus mutters, "sorry. I don't know any 'Pope of Rome'. But ask the boss. Maybe daddy knows."

So Peter goes to God and asks: "Uh, boss, there is this guy outside who wants to come in. He claims to be some 'Pope of Rome', but nobody has ever heard about a Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"

"Pope of Rome ...., hm, Pope of Rome ...", God strikes his beard, "sorry, never heard of him. But have you asked Smokey?"

So Saint Peter shouts "Smokey! Smokey!". There is a little lightning, a puff of smoke and there stands the Holy Spirit.

"Ahem, Smokey, sorry to bother you, but there is a guy outside wanting to come in, he claims he is some 'Pope of Rome'. Do you know any 'Pope of Rome'?"

"Pope of Rome ...., Pope of Rome ...", the Holy Spirit mutters, shaking his head. Then he cries out: "The POPE OF ROME! Now it comes to me! This is the guy that keeps telling ugly stories about me and Saint Mary - GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT!"

bakunin

This is said to be an alert to IBM Field Engineers that really went out to all IBM Branch Offices.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic alls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Kind regards
zxmaus

---------- Post updated 07-18-09 at 12:49 AM ---------- Previous update was 07-17-09 at 03:30 PM ----------

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After a bit of discussion, the bank staff finally took her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, '$750,000!' and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "I bet $25,000 that the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hand."

[*]A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.



[*]Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh Prefer to go for a walk in evening?
Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.



[*]Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .



[*]An Englishman and santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do! 



[*]Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
 
sardar was fixing a bomb in a car. 
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing. 
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more
 
 
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
 
 
 
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
 
 
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
 

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
 
 
 
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '
 

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
 
 
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child. 

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3
months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to
sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.

One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an
old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT". The man responds,
"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent
meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with
his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble", the man said.
"That's very good" said the old man. "Because if I catch you with my
granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese
tortures".

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck
by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not
been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of
each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific
time together. They were careful to be quiet so they wouldn't awaken the
grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third
floor), and thought: "That marvelous experience was worth enduring a
thousand tortures". He then fell promptly asleep and had the best
sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then
realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock
was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On
Chest".

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to
the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the
bottom of the rock "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To
Rock". Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man
hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the
window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge. "3rd Chinese
torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost"....

Frankly Franklin ( this is nice ) I could not stop laughing ...
Just mapping the same tortures to the girl, it would be even more hilarious

The following is not a joke but a story which really happened:

A colleague of mine was working as a support guy at a real big german software company which sells standard software (if you guessed that its name starts with an "S" you are correct). A manager once called and complained that his mouse was "working shaky". The reason was simple: mice worked with balls back then and the device has gobbled up enough dirt that the ball wasn't working properly any more. The solution was simple: clean it.

The guy was told exactly this, but - being a manager - wanted to have it done. So he "played dumb" and complained - until he got to my colleague.

He went straight to his office and told him: "All that talk about dirt is nonsense. You got one of these new mouse pads last month?"

"Yes."

"Well, the company saved on these and they are very poor quality, not completely anti-static and so."

He added some pseudo-technical mumbo-jumbo to that to drive the message home, then went in for the kill: "Whatever we will do the problem will persist because the statical electricity will not be removed. But you could do the following: they have a high-quality carpeting everywhere here, which is - being designed especially for computerized workplaces - completely anti-static, anti-whatsoever and fully digitally compatible. Just unplug your mouse and drag it behind you for some time, this will slowly remove all the static electricity and it will work perfectly again."

Then he ran back to our office and told us all to watch. Right there, at lunchtime, we saw the guy walking his mouse.

bakunin

1.Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS -
286 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software is not likely to work on your computer.

2.Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3.Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4.Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5.If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6.Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7.Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8.You will hear grinding and whirring noises* for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

YES | SURE

9.After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "aeiou.exe," "zxxz.dat," and "doo.wha."

10.When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately throw your pc out of the window or call *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11.At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12.Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

 
 
A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy, 
 
> Dear Tech Support, 
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a 
> distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the 
> flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under 
> Boyfriend 5.0. 
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as 
> Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable 
> programs such as  NEWS 5.0,   MONEY 3.0  and CRICKET 4.1. 
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. 
> Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, 
> but to no avail. 
> What can I do? 
 
> Signed, 
> Desperate Woman. 
 
 
 
> DEAR DESPERATE Madam, 
 
> First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while 
> Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 
> and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. 
> If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically 
> run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. 
> However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. 
> Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the. 
> Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. 
> Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 
> (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) 
> In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. 
> These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. 
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory 
> and cannot learn new applications quickly., 
> You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. 
> We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Hot Looks 7.7. 
 
 
> Good Luck Madam! 
> Tech Support 
 
 

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun.
He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately
says no and walks off the bus.
The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you"

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to
an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and
tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the
nun praying, on her knees. He sits behind her and says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be
forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and
says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

OK, this is rubbish, but....

A duck walks into a pub and asks the barman "do you have any bread?".

The barman says "No. This is a pub. We have beer, gin, whisky. That's it"

The duck says "Oh, OK, never mind. C'ya"

The next day the duck walks back into the pub and asks "do you have any bread?"

The barman says "No, I thought I told you, this is a pub. We sell beer, gin, whisky..."

"OK" says the duck, "never mind. C'ya"

The next day the duck walks back into the pub and asks the barman "got any bread?".

The barman, clearly annoyed says "Look I've told you twice, this is a pub. We sell beer, gin and whisky. If I have to tell you again you stupid twit, I'll nail your feet to the floor and kick the hell out of your head."

Next day the duck walks back into the pub and asks the barman "Got a hammer?"

"No"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun.
As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.

Obviously, he had to see a doctor.
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it.
As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card.
I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?"

To which the doctor replies, "No, he plays the flute.
He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

ok this is a description of a cartoon, but it still makes me laugh.

Dude is sitting in a wireless equipped Starbucks sipping his cappa and typing away on his laptop. There's a woman a couple of tables away doing the same thing.

Dude is engaging in some kind of live chat. "It's so hard to meet real people these days" he types.

"I feel the same way" types the woman a few tables away.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student�s immediate family.

A �smart� student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. �But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?�

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

�Well,� he responded, �I guess you�ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.�