Depending what you want to monitor SNMPv3 could satisfy your needs.
You will need to install 'something' tho, in this case net-snmp, but you won't be installing any 'agents'.
(I do not condone agents, especially closed source ones.)
Also net-snmp is already present on most linux/unix machines, it will need some configuration love, but not much (creating users, disabling public community strings and alike).
On the external node you will have to setup something to send snmp requests.
Various software exists, a lot of it is free (Cacti, Nagios and alike) which will graph performance (RRD tool) and send alerts when thresholds are breached.
Even if you don't have Nagios - you can look at my Nagios plugin scripts.
They do not require root rights. All shell code. Should be easy to adapt for Cacti, Nmon, Xymon, ...
I posted them in the same forum (Infrastructure Monitoring).